News broke late last year about Hemingway Hotels & Resorts, a brand inspired by Papa himself, to be set in his favorite haunts (Key West; Venice), with clubby bars and well-stocked libraries. We couldn’t help imagining what the staff-training manual might look like.

Hemingway Hotels & Resorts Employee Handbook

Congratulations. If you are reading this, you have demonstrated preternatural bravery and unapologetic machismo, and are now eligible for employment with Hemingway Hotels & Resorts. Below, a few customer-service notes before we proceed with training.

No. 1: The essential question is not: is the customer always right? Rather, it is: does the customer have what it takes to be right? For that matter: do you?

No. 2: Never avoid eye contact with a guest. That’s a sign of fear. Guests can smell fear.

No. 3: To take a bag from a man is to take his very manhood. Let him carry his own damn bag. And hail his own damn cab, for that matter.

No. 4: Every room, at all times, shall be stocked with absinthe, white rum, and cocktail shakers. Nespresso machines are strictly prohibited. As is bottled water.

No. 5: Fraternizing with guests in the bar is permitted, for all men are equal when they sit beneath a lion’s head with shotguns at their knees.

No. 6: Know that when a guest enters this hotel he is your responsibility, yours to hold on to as if his life depended on it, because his life does depend on it. Then you will do what is necessary to care for him, not because you are being paid, but because it is right, and it is good.