13 Reasons You Should Never Travel With Tom Hanks
Some people just have bad travel luck.
Whether their flights are constantly delayed or their luggage somehow always ends up lost, there are people you know you just shouldn’t travel with. And one of those people is definitely Tom Hanks.
With Friday's release of “Sully,” a film based on Captain Chesley Sullenberger’s famous plane landing on the Hudson River in New York City, we have irrefutable evidence that Tom Hanks has the worst luck of any traveler—ever.
The man has practically created a genre playing characters who end up screwed while traveling. Think we're exaggerating? Here are 13 reasons you should never, ever travel with Tom Hanks.
(There are spoilers ahead, so proceed with caution...much like how you should proceed before agreeing to travel with Tom Hanks.)
The friendly skies are no place to be with Tom Hanks. If you end up flying over an ocean with Hanks, your plane will crash and you will be stranded.
You might spend some nice time together on that deserted island, getting to know each other better. But then, one day, Hanks will suggest making a raft and navigating back to civilization. Because he is Tom Hanks, you will go along with it.
Then there will be a “Jack and Rose” situation where he takes up the entire raft and you will slip off, dragged away by the seas. But when he wakes up and realizes you’re gone, he’ll scream your name into the vast nothingness. If you were there to see it, you would definitely become overwhelmed with emotion and nominate him for an Academy Award.
If Tom Hanks ever asks you to take a trip with him on the open seas, just say no.
If you don’t end up shipwrecked, Somali pirates will inevitably board, he’ll get captured, and you’ll have to call in the Navy SEALs for help.
Everyone will make it out alive, but you’re going to have to shell out a lot money for therapy afterwards.
Unless you feel like running everywhere you go, don’t travel with Tom Hanks. You’ll probably spend hours of your trip just sitting on a bus bench, too.
“Catch Me If You Can”
This one won’t be fun. He’ll spend the entire trip just a few steps behind and when he finally catches up with you, you’ll probably get arrested.
When you finally make it out of prison, Hanks will fly you back home, but onboard the plane he will probably tell you one of your family members just died.
Remember when Tom Hanks had to live inside of JFK and his only source of income was that cart return machine?
Unless you feel like sleeping on chairs and exclusively consuming food from Burger King, don’t go to the airport with Tom Hanks.
“The Da Vinci Code”
So you think you’re just on a nice vacation to Paris with Tom Hanks, then—suddenly—you’re embroiled in an international scandal and you can’t trust anybody—not even the guy who played Gandalf.
Tom Hanks will either poison you slowly while you’re sailing through the Pacific Islands, or you’ll end up time traveling so frequently that you lose all track of where you are. Either way, there’s going to be a lot of vomit.
With Tom Hanks, it's not about the destination. It's about the ridiculously bad journey.
“Saving Private Ryan”
Tom Hanks has really bad luck in France, man.
“Bridge of Spies”
And Berlin’s not safe, either.
Join Hanks for this trip, and you’ll get captured and he'll have to wait for hours on a sketchy bridge for your release.
New York City can be intimidating enough to visit without having Tom Hanks reveal to you that he is actually a 12-year-old boy.
Yeah, you aren’t even safe in space from Tom Hanks’s bad traveler’s luck.
Space tourism may sound fun, but wait for Harrison Ford's invitation instead.
“The Polar Express”
You could take a train with Tom Hanks...but it will inevitably jump off the rails and land on ice and the ice will crack and the whole thing will be no good.
You’ll make it home alive (so an improvement on the rafting trip), but no one will ever believe you when you tell them what happened.
Whatever you do, do not board a plane with Tom Hanks.