How to Blow a Million Bucks at the Super Bowl
Including—but certainly not limited to—28 custom designed footballs, celebrity cabanas, private jets, and man servants.
Come Super Bowl time, the Bay Area is a playground for the wealthy and wealthy-adjacent. But when it comes to budgeting, the billionaires of the world can have just as tough a time as us hundredaires. With a whole host of luxury packages and VIP deals to choose from, what’s a humble tech mogul/hedgefunder/corn baron of the Upper Midwest to do? We crunched the numbers to find the best ways to spend your Super Bowl weekend without going a penny over your modest $1,000,000 budget. Read on—or pass along to your personal media consumption surrogate—then have your assistant start the booking.
Price Tag: $550,000
As a high roller, it’s vital you haul an entourage with you all weekend to give you an aura of importance. This package covers flights to the Bay Area on a private jet, lower level tickets to the game, three nights of lodging, limo transportation, an on-site concierge, and access to miscellaneous parties throughout the weekend for you and 19 of your closest friends. For some people this would be enough to guarantee a great weekend. Those people are stingy misanthropes. Choosing only 19 friends and frenemies upon whom to bestow your wealth and generosity would be impossible. So you’ll need an alternative housing option for the weekend…
Remaining Budget: $450,000
Price Tag: $150,000
Put up eight more pals for three nights in the Fairmont San Jose’s Presidential Luxury Suite. For a mere $150k, they’ll get Super Bowl tickets, an in-suite private butler, two chauffeured Escalades, a top-shelf in-suite bar, 12 bottles of Dom, and a host of other amenities—spa treatments, wine touring, magnums of wine, and 5k worth of Apple products. Oh, and free breakfast, because even the Rockefellers among us don’t want to suffer the indignity of a $39 breakfast buffet.
Remaining Budget: $300,000
Dinner for 28 at Saison
Price Tag: $23,800
Head to San Francisco’s spendiest restaurant for Friday night dinner, where the meal, pairings, tax, and tip will run you about $850 a head. The joint has three Michelin stars, so at the very least you can smother that hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach with some delicious haute cuisine creations.
Remaining Budget: $276,200
Price Tag: $4,635 for three ManServants, four hours/day for three days
Look, Super Bowl weekend is a visual cornucopia for those who enjoy scoping out beautiful women. From the shot girls to the cheerleaders to the hairless women in bandage dresses, there’s no shortage of eye candy for the straight males and lesbian ladies in attendance. Those who prefer a bit of rippling man bod, though, are outta luck until the tight football pants get broken out on game day (and even then...meh?). But a good host looks out for the needs of every guest, hence: The ManServant. For $125 an hour, a beautiful man with the name, attire, and backstory of your choice will serve as butler, bartender, and personal assistant. Let “Thad,” the hunky unemployed surfer from Oxnard, mix mojitos and dole out neck massages while “Enjolras,” the Bordeaux-born student revolutionary, sings battle hymns and “Chris Pine” stands in the corner looking contemplative.
Remaining Budget: $271,565
Super Bowl Breakfast Priority Table
Price Tag: $2,500 for a 10-person table x three tables = $7,500
Kick off Saturday morning with priority seats for the whole gang at the Super Bowl Breakfast, emceed by former 49er Brent Jones, whose name probably means something if you are a football fan? IDK. You’ll get to rub shoulders with folks like Mike Ditka and Jack Del Rio while you pick at scrambled eggs and wonder if buying a football team would fill the hole in your heart.
Remaining Budget: $264,065
Golfing at The Spyglass Hill Golf Course
Price Tag: $315 per person x 10 people = $3,150
Sure, the No. 2 golf course in the world is just a short jaunt down the road, but we’re aiming for maximum price tag, so you’ll have to settle for No. 81. Just make sure your golf-loving buddies are all up to snuff sartorially. Untucked shirts are for slatterns and miscreants.
Remaining Budget: $260,915
Price Tag: $117,500
Forgot your golf clubs again, eh sport? Never fear, that’s basically the reason private jet travel was invented! Have your assistant's assistant hop on a long-range jet and deliver your clubs in person. At just two-and-a-half hours each way, she can hit the road at 7am and you’ll have your trusty nine-iron in hand by the 10:07 tee time.
Remaining Budget: $143,415
Price Tag: $15,900
No party is complete without décor and favors, and 28 custom footballs decorated by CFDA members fill both needs. Use the Tiffany & Co. ball as a centerpiece for your sitting room, then hand it off to Junior when you come home to make up for missing his PeeWee playoff game and the bulk of his formative years.
Remaining Budget: $127,515
Price Tag: $25,000 x two nights = $50,000
This two-night bacchanal at The Metreon promises to be exclusive, with single night tickets starting at $495. But no need to slum it with the sort-of-fancy crowd: $25k gets you 15 VIP tickets (leave your second-tier friends at the door so as not to tarnish your rep), a personal hostess for the evening, unlimited bottles of ultra premium liquor, and two magnums of Moet champagne. Plus you’ll get to meet celebrity hosts like Alessandra Ambrosio, who will smile politely as she thinks about how much money she’s raking in for every minute your polo buddy drones on about the merits of Pelham bits. Sure, you could settle for a single night of tickets, but you’re better off booking both evenings to stave off the existential despair that will set in if you have unscheduled time to wonder whether you’d be worthy of love and friendship without your millions.
Remaining Budget: $77,515
Price Tag: $19,000 for a 10-person table x two tables = $38,000
Money buys you options, so insure yourself against crappy parties by staking out multiple VIP tables for Saturday night. Rolling Stone’s annual party will be held at The Galleria in the San Francisco Design Center this year, and Avicii is the headliner, so if nothing else you can hit the dance floor until you forget that even your Swiss bank account can’t pay for your father’s approval.
Remaining Budget: $39,515
Price Tag: $25,000
From the Rolling Stone party, head to Maxim’s bash on Treasure Island, where, as the name implies, there’s sure to be booty aplenty. The top-tier VIP table gets you 15 spots at a private table and enough top-shelf liquor to make your entire crew believe they genuinely like each other: eight bottles of champagne, three magnums of vodka, and three bottles of tequila.
Remaining Budget: $14,515
Price Tag: $10,000 for a 10-person table
This food and wine showcase matches celebrity chefs with celebrity players from every NFL team while guests stroll, snack, and stock up on autographed merch. Your VIP table gets you early entry and secured seating, so you can avoid rubbing shoulders with the plebes. Wouldn’t want to come away smelling of Drakkar Noir and meat sweats.
Remaining Budget: $4,515
Price Tag: $4,500
Before you hitch the jet home, stop by the Cartier outpost at Westfield Valley Fair. Consider this purchase insurance for when your spouse finds all those photos from Saturday night. Divorce is bad for business and therapy is time-consuming, but jewelry just takes five minutes and an AmEx Black!
Remaining Budget: $15
Price Tag: $15
Just because you’re loaded doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate a ginger ale, some salty snacks, and the latest Grisham while in midair. Even the billionaires of the world put their pants on one leg at a time.