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Essential Gear for the Paranoid Peripatetic

SAY HELLO TO BUBBYTM, THE TRAVELER'S BEST BUDDY! Wary of hotel-room bedding?Bacteria-coated airplane headrests?Germ-infested elevator buttons and doorknobs?Protect yourself with BubbyTM, the body-encasing bubble. Bubby's hermetically sealed environment earned an unprecedented 9-out-of-10 safety rating from the Howard Hughes Society. Perambulate in complete security inside Bubby's three-ply thermoplastic shielding. Screens out harmful germs, UV rays, carbon monoxide, muggers, insects, unwanted conversation, unpleasant odors, even acid rain. $439.99 (choose clear, frosted, or lemon-lime coating)

MOMMY DEAREST? If you're like us, you worry about entrusting your precious offspring to "neighbors" and "grandparents" while you go on vacation. The Nanny-MaticTM saves the day! This fully automated H2O/food dispenser keeps children watered and fed for up to two months. Edible pellets emerge thrice daily from a tamperproof tube. Also supervises math homework. $299.95

DON'T IT MAKE YOUR BROWN BAYS BLUE Fed up with dull photos of slate-gray lagoons?Feel cheated when the water at the resort isn't nearly as vivid as it was in the brochure?Your frustrations are over with Côte d'AssureTM, a relatively harmless dye for coloring stubborn tropical waters. Just one tablet turns an entire harbor, small bay, or inlet a stunning, radiant azure. Warning: Do not bathe in water. $9.99 for 20 tablets

LOOK NO FURTHER! Newfangled suitcases have so many compartments that you spend half your holiday wondering where your socks are. Keep it simple with The PocketTM. Our revolutionary packing system has a whopping 200 cubic feet of space for all your essentials: hair scrunchies, lint brushes, iPods, tickets, earplugs, Neosporin, laptops, garlic presses, breath mints, Geiger counters, passports, shoehorns, even a unicycle. No more asking yourself, "Where did I put that?" It's in The PocketTM! $84.95

YOU'LL A-DOOR IT! Knock, knock. Who's there? Top criminologists agree that the number-one target of burglars isn't a weak lock, it's a weak door. Those plywood pi–atas in foreign hotel rooms just don't pass the test. The safest solution: Bring your own. Our 1,000-pound HumongoDoorTM is blasted from galvanized steel and radon-free lead; fits most door frames. $2,199.99 (shipping not included)

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