Essential Gear for the Paranoid Peripatetic

Essential Gear for the Paranoid Peripatetic

Attention, reluctant road warriors: we're proud to present the top sellers from our latest travel catalogue. Here, 10 products no nail-biting globe-trotter should go without.

SAY HELLO TO BUBBYTM, THE TRAVELER'S BEST BUDDY! Wary of hotel-room bedding?Bacteria-coated airplane headrests?Germ-infested elevator buttons and doorknobs?Protect yourself with BubbyTM, the body-encasing bubble. Bubby's hermetically sealed environment earned an unprecedented 9-out-of-10 safety rating from the Howard Hughes Society. Perambulate in complete security inside Bubby's three-ply thermoplastic shielding. Screens out harmful germs, UV rays, carbon monoxide, muggers, insects, unwanted conversation, unpleasant odors, even acid rain. $439.99 (choose clear, frosted, or lemon-lime coating)

MOMMY DEAREST? If you're like us, you worry about entrusting your precious offspring to "neighbors" and "grandparents" while you go on vacation. The Nanny-MaticTM saves the day! This fully automated H2O/food dispenser keeps children watered and fed for up to two months. Edible pellets emerge thrice daily from a tamperproof tube. Also supervises math homework. $299.95

DON'T IT MAKE YOUR BROWN BAYS BLUE Fed up with dull photos of slate-gray lagoons?Feel cheated when the water at the resort isn't nearly as vivid as it was in the brochure?Your frustrations are over with Côte d'AssureTM, a relatively harmless dye for coloring stubborn tropical waters. Just one tablet turns an entire harbor, small bay, or inlet a stunning, radiant azure. Warning: Do not bathe in water. $9.99 for 20 tablets

LOOK NO FURTHER! Newfangled suitcases have so many compartments that you spend half your holiday wondering where your socks are. Keep it simple with The PocketTM. Our revolutionary packing system has a whopping 200 cubic feet of space for all your essentials: hair scrunchies, lint brushes, iPods, tickets, earplugs, Neosporin, laptops, garlic presses, breath mints, Geiger counters, passports, shoehorns, even a unicycle. No more asking yourself, "Where did I put that?" It's in The PocketTM! $84.95

YOU'LL A-DOOR IT! Knock, knock. Who's there? Top criminologists agree that the number-one target of burglars isn't a weak lock, it's a weak door. Those plywood pi–atas in foreign hotel rooms just don't pass the test. The safest solution: Bring your own. Our 1,000-pound HumongoDoorTM is blasted from galvanized steel and radon-free lead; fits most door frames. $2,199.99 (shipping not included)

HAIL, HAIL Revolutionary new technology has allowed us to shrink an entire taxi into one handy gel cap. Insta-CabTM inflates in 6.8 seconds: Just add water (approx. 80 gallons). Available in London black, New York yellow, and tuk-tuk brown. $2,298 (Gas, driver, indecipherable radio not included)

HAVE IT YOUR WAY—EVEN AWAY As everyone knows, the exotic food at foreign restaurants is sometimes a little too exotic. After traipsing around a strange city all day, the last thing you want is a lukewarm plate of klvadjz. No worries! With just a dash of our trusty FlavaSavaTM seasoning, any meal tastes like a flame-broiled burger and fries—even paprikash. $4.49 per 10 oz. bottle

IT'S A SHOE THING You're late for the theater, there's not a taxi in sight, and running in your Manolos is putting the ÒblahÓ back in Blahnik. What's a poor, jet-setting, bright young thing to do?Switch to our amazing Hi-HealsTM—the sexy, strappy shoe with retractable four-inch heels! Miuccia Prada wishes she'd invented these! $179.99 per pair

FUMING MAD? Outside America, non-smoking sections are as rare as a decent cup of Folgers Decaf. Choke no more, fellow travelers: The Cig-NetTM, our chic custom-tailored smoke hood, lets you look good and inhale in any fume-filled venue! Anti-wicking fibers minimize claustrophobia. Choose from an assortment of styles, including English Pub (Burberry plaid), Parisian Cinéma (Hermès orange), and Tokyo Jazz Bar (Hello Kitty print). $99.99 (Factory overstock! Size XXXXS only!)

MEET THE @#$%-ULATORTM If there's one reason to learn a foreign tongue, it's knowing a great insult when some jerk cuts in line at the pâtisserie or spills ouzo in your lap. Unfortunately, mastering a language takes time. That's why we created this handheld insulting unit. The powerful 40-watt speaker hurls curse words in 300 languages, from Albanian to Zulu. No more flipping frantically through the phrase book while the culprit walks away—one click on the @#$%-ulatorTM and he's thoroughly humiliated! $79.99 (for megaphone attachment, add $17)

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